A Series on Deconditioning

I have not been inclined to explore the outer world or to become a world traveler to different countries and cultures. On some level I feel I have lived in all of them, from poverty to riches, along the many incarnating journeys of my life as a human being.

I have always been far more inclined to explore my inner world, a universe that seemed vast and mysterious to me. From an early age I have been driven toward the mysteries, partly because of my conditioning and partly because that is innately who I am. A theist/anti-theist, I spent years dabbling in various cultures and religions. If I could use an analogy, it was more like ordering off a menu, hoping the meal I chose would be fulfilling. 

Sometimes it was. Other times I knew I was consuming a casual diner, never to return to that particular restaurant again.  

And then I met Human Design and I was sure I had found the most satisfying meal on the planet. I was not wrong. I saw it as a 10-course dining experience, complete with appetizers, salad, a richly aromatic and mouthwatering experience of different flavors that burst through my senses and awakened even the sleepiest parts of my sensory experience. It was complete with dessert, hot-warm-chocolate oozing over a luscious warm cake, rich in spices of cinnamon, cardamom, ginger, a touch of cayenne pepper. Of course, following this very satisfying meal there would be the warm brandy swirling in the small snifter, one I could hold gently in my hand, swirl and breathe in, before allowing its intoxicating elixir to soothe and help me digest the meal I had enjoyed.  

Human Design would be my instruction manual and make me a master mechanic that could fix the kinks of my life, smooth out the hum of my engine, and make life sweet and satisfying.  

I thought (and thought is the operative word here) that it would fix everything. That it would fix my broken relationships with people I loved more than myself. I thought it would be the salve to erase my scares and heal my emotional wounds. To me, to have all this information available to me so I could be who I am, know how I move in the world was the panacea I had searched for my entire life. More than fix anything outside of myself, I was certain it would fix me. What I didn’t know was that I had long road in front of me of not-self forgetting. Not-self deconditioning. A journey of discovery that has been at times unsavory for lack of a better term, but in the end of every discovery it has been completely satisfying. It’s the journey, the experience that comes right after you need it, before I would ever find myself even beginning to settle into my own body. It’s been a slow, day-to-day journey for me, one I will be on for the rest of my life. There is no arrival, no destination, only stops and starts along the way. I have surrendered to the journey. I have become a helpless, but not powerless, to the beautiful process.

The past is about to end as you know it and you’re about to break through it. David Whyte (davidwhyte.com)